We'd all like to be fabulously successful. Most of us have a fantasy that goes something like this: we are happily married with well-behaved children and a loving and attentive spouse. We are wealthy and give regularly to charities. We are happy and fulfilled in our jobs (even if that means being a stay-at-home parent), and good, civic-minded, community members. And, of course, we are slim, trim, healthy and beautiful (or handsome).
Who wouldn't want that kind of life?
That life sounds so good (to most of us) that we spend most of our time pursuing it. We go to school to get the fulfilling job. We read the marriage books and get fixed up on dates so that we can meet the perfect mate. We save some money so our prosperity won't be short-lived. We hit the gym and eat well so that we can have a vibrant, healthy life. We help out in our communities, volunteer and mentor where we can. In short, our now is often lived in anticipation of the life we will have one day. Which is fine until it becomes more about what you don't have instead of what you do have. What do I mean?
Have you ever found yourself saying things like, "I wish I had saved more money," or "I thought I'd be further ahead in my career by now," or "I can't believe I'm over 40 and still not married?" And then you start spiraling into depression because one, "I wish I had.." leads you to remember 12 other things you wish you had. Until you can no longer remember how far you've come, but only think about how far you have to go...
This is what I call Counting Up Your Failures. Forget thinking about your accomplishments - a more common pastime is regretting what you don't have. You're happy you're finally making $60,000 per year, but you really wish you could be making $80,000+ like your friend Joan. You're okay with living in an apartment, but surely you should have had your own house by now. And you're glad you aren't obese, but surely you would be happier if you could get back down to your high school weight. Or, heck, even what you weighed in college.
And while you're thinking all these negative thoughts, you're reminded that you still haven't found anyone with whom you're really compatible. So there goes the whole happily married thing. And you had to spend your savings to take care of yourself when you were laid off for six months last year. So now you're back to a big fat zero in your savings account. Forget about reminding yourself that you were darned smart to have saved that money in the first place - all you can think of is how you have no savings and have to start all over again.
And let's not even get into the misery you suffered over your divorce, having to move to another state to take care of a parent or when you lost your house during Hurricane Katrina.
Sometimes it feels like you haven't moved at all - that you've been stuck in the same place all your life. You feel like as hard as you've tried to get ahead all it's gotten you is a nice big rut to dwell in. And that's you and your life...
Stop counting up your failures. They do you no good. They wreck your mood, depress you, lower your optimism and take so long to get over that you might as well not get into that downward spiral in the first place.(Don't believe me? Re-read those last few paragraphs and see how unhappy they make you feel!)
You need to focus on the NOW. Repeat after me: There is nothing I can do about the past. There is nothing I can do about the past. There is nothing I can do about the past.
Now take a few moments to really think about that.
And really understand: THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THE PAST.
You can only do something about the NOW.
So focus on what you can do today. Think about how you can make those changes that will have a lasting, positive effect on your life. Think about what you want for your tomorrow and the steps you need to take to get there (and pick up my book 1-2-3 Change! if you need additional help).
I know you want a lot for your life - and I want a good life for you too - but I can absolutely guarantee you that you won't get there by counting up your failures.
Your 'failures' have shown you where you went wrong. Choices you could have made better. Options that seemed like a good idea at the time, but simply don't fit your life.
Learn from them. Grow for them. But don't let them define you.
Stop counting up your failures. Instead, focus on what you can do RIGHT NOW to make a change.
And be free...
